Conflict Management: Unfair Fighting Styles

Bad Timing - One person forces his or her agenda on the other, often insisting on discussing something at an inappropriate time.

Blaming - You blame the other person for the problem when you start with the dangerous assumption that “I’m right and you’re wrong.”

Too many issues - When you’re angry and use any ammunition you can think of – dragging up issue after issue to support how good you are and how bad the other person is.

Covering other feelings with anger - In unfair fights, anger is usually the only emotion expressed. It drowns out any underlying fear, sadness, guilt, envy, disappointment, and so on.

Impossible demands - Unfair fights often include vague, abstract demands like “be more considerate” or “stop being so picky.”  People just don’t change their personalities or emotions quickly or easily.

 Threats and ultimatums
- “I’ll move out.”
- "I’ll quit.”
- "I’ll tell your supervisor.”
- “I’ll take the kids.”
- “I’ll tell on you.”
- “I’ll destroy something.”
- “I won’t love you anymore.”
-  Escalation

Unhappy endings  - Unfair fights have unhappy endings. Unfair fights end in violence, withdrawal, or tears and apologies. They don’t end in mutually satisfactory solutions. In fact, unfair fights don’t really end at all – there’s just a temporary cease fire until the next round.

What is unfair at heart about most of these negative styles is that they assert that the person you are arguing with is somehow inferior.  You don’t engage the person about his or her ideas; you simply attack the person. To create an environment where conflict about ideas is possible and encouraged, individuals must be assured that they will be engaging in a fair fight – one that will not turn into a personal attack.